What You Will

Another Burma Shave billboard on the information superhighway. Random thoughts about arts, faith, culture, music, language, literature, and the shortcomings of the Hegelian dialectic. (OK, just kidding about that last bit.)

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Location: Edmonds, Washington, United States

I wonder what goes in this space?


Literary action figures

Standing on my desk right now, courtesy of Archie McPhee, are two "literary action figures": William Shakespeare and Edgar Allan Poe. They're reasonable enough likenesses, but neither can sit down, which in a writer would seem to be an unfortunate oversight.

The other day my friend Michael and I brainstormed some additional literary action figures we'd like to see:

Joseph Mitchell
Comes into the office every day for 32 years; sits and stares at its typewriter. Now with Extra Heavy-Duty Writer’s Block, and Real Tears of Regret for a Talent Wasted.

Sylvia Plath
Complete with Crawling and Asphyxiating Motion! For extra fun, get the Wax-Headed model!

Hunter S. Thompson
Will do anything it sees you doing, just to see what it feels like. Adults only.

Emily Dickinson
Will not come out of its packaging—and isn’t meant to.

Richard Dawkins
Asks, with a smirk, “If Archie McPhee made me, who made Archie McPhee?”

Ernest Hemingway
For longer product life, avoid simultaneous use of the Hennessy Bottle and Shotgun accessories.

Dylan Thomas
Unsteady, with thrilling Stumble/Fall sequence. Speaks beautifully; swears horribly. Secondhand accessories included, but may be exchanged for Rotgut.

Oscar Wilde*
Armed only with a Pen, but still fights an impressive Battle of Wits. Not appropriate for young boys.

Ambrose Bierce
Not intended for use as a chew toy; leaves bitter aftertaste. Rinse thoroughly after contact. May wander off to Mexico in search of Pancho Villa.

I imagine we'll add more to the list later, but that's enough for now. Must go and sharpen my quill.

*Shoot, ol' Archie has beaten us to the punch on this one.


Blogger woodsmeister said...

Francis Bacon - Comes with "I'm really Shakespeare" T-shirt.

Christopher Marlowe - Comes with "I'm really Shakespeare T-shirt", with optional rapier and shot glass accessories.

Edward de Vere - Comes with "I'm really Shakespeare" T-shirt.

William Blake - Printing press accessory kit really cool.

Samuel Johnston - comes with James Boswell sidekick.

Mark Twain - Riverboat sold separately. Don't believe a word it says.

Sir Thomas More - Now with detachable head!

JRR Tolkien - Now with 9 fingers!

Robert Browning - Elizabeth Barrett Browning sold separately.

D. G. Rossetti - Painting accessories sold separately (plus, they don't work very well).

John Keats - Limited edition - prone to short lifespan.

Henry Thoreau - cabin, Walden Pond, jail cell accessories sold separately.

Edgar Allen Poe - Raven accessories sold separately.

Lord Byron - Keep away from all female action figures, even Emily Dickinson, and all revolutionaries.

John Keats - very short shelf life - treasure it while you can.

6:15 AM  

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