Rick Neuheisel, the Rat of Nim?

I attended a Mariners game with a group from my church the other night. When I found our section and sat down next to a fellow parishioner, Cal Uomoto, he said, "I didn't have you pegged as a sports fan."

There are bigger sports fans than I, but after all I am not only a fan but an occasional sports writer, so it does behoove me to know at least a little bit about most sports. I admit I'm a nerd, but some nerds love some things about some sports. So there.

Here, anyway, is a sports story with some real nerd appeal: a piece in the Seattle Times about how Rick Neuheisel, current UCLA Bruins football coach and former Washington Huskies coach, recruited his new quarterback by convincing him to switch from UW to UCLA. (If you follow Pac-10 football at all, you probably know that Seattleites either admire Slick Rick for being the last Husky coach to win a Rose Bowl, or despise him for being unable to control his players' off-field antics and for betting on NCAA basketball games and lying about it.)

According to the story, Slick Rick won this quarterback over by challenging him to a game. It was nothing involving football or any other sport, but rather a two-person math/logic game played on a marker board. The quarterback in the story calls this game "sticks." When I used to play it with other nerds in junior high, we called it 3-5-7, but according to Wikipedia, mathematicians call it "Nim." In most variations of the game, objects are arranged in three rows of varying lengths. Players take turns removing objects, trying to leave the other player with the last one. Reportedly Slick Rick told this quarterback that he'd have to consider UCLA if he lost 10 games in a row, which is exactly what happened.

In games like Nim, the outcome is often a foregone conclusion if neither player makes a mistake. For example, a correctly played game of tic-tac-toe always ends in a draw (if one player wins, it means the other one screwed up). Slick Rick's version of Nim is set up so that the person who goes second will win the game, provided that he or she understands the strategy and doesn't blow it. (In most versions, the advantage goes to the first player.) The Times story suggests that the quarterback was completely unfamiliar with Nim, so it's no surprise that Rick skunked him. Heck, Rick probably didn't even have to secure for himself the advantage of going second every time, knowing that the kid would most likely make a boo-boo.

Here's the irony in all this: Rick's use of Nim as a recruiting tool means that he is selecting football players who are no good at Nim — in other words, they can't recognize patterns and don't think strategically. I don't know about you, but those are not qualities I would want in a quarterback. Between two quarterbacks with comparable physical capabilities, I'd go for the smarter one. I'd want one who might even be able to beat the coach at Nim now and then.

If you ask me, this story is a cause for Washington fans to celebrate. Clearly, Rick Neuheisel is interested only in players who aren't as smart as Rick Neuheisel — meaning that every other team in the Pac-10 has a better shot at recruiting players who are as smart as Rick Neuheisel. Maybe even smarter.

Probably Bad News: Definitely bad grammar

We all love to make fun of newspaper gaffes. It's been standard fare on the Tonight Show since your uncle was in diapers.

So it comes as no surprise that there's a blog devoted to this pursuit, Probably Bad News.

However, there's an inescapable irony in mocking poorly written headlines when one's own masthead contains a grammatical error.

That's right, kids, "fails" is a verb, not a noun. Yeah, dude, I know it's all, like, hip and trendy to say "fail" when you really mean "failure," but isn't standard English and probably never will be, because it makes the language more confusing and not less. There's also no earthly reason to capitalize the F in "Fails" on this masthead, since the subhead is clearly intended to be in sentence case. That's two blunders on one word. Then there's "Established MMDCCLXII." In case you were interested, the Roman numeral works out to 2672, which is either a bad joke or a heinous error—take your pick.

Any fool can point out obvious mistakes in journalism, but it's a special kind of fool who fails (ha ha, I'm so clever) to correct his (or her) own mistakes in the process.

Vanity Fair edits Palin

Editors at Vanity Fair, evidently lacking anything more constructive to do, have produced a marked-up version of Sarah Palin's painfully rambling resignation speech. It's an instructive example of the editor's art, demonstrating conclusively that the best way to improve a piece of writing is often to knock out a few words.

However, there is at least one thing Palin got wrong that Vanity Fair failed to correct. On the last page of the transcript, Palin refers to Alaska's new lieutenant governor, Craig Campbell, as "Lieutenant General." Well, he may indeed be the new lieutenant governor, but in the military he's [the very model of] a [modern] major general. Do I get a king salmon for that catch?

Houston, we have a problem

I've seen the seventh circle of hell, and it looks like a bagel

Being the possessor of a free sandwich coupon from Noah's Bagels, I thought today might be a fine time to redeem it. So I stopped into Noah's on Queen Anne Sunday after church, with my wife and kid in tow. The wife wanted a corned beef sandwich; I ordered pastrami.

When I presented the coupon to the young lady at the cash register, the very first word she uttered, under her breath, was "Shit!" She stepped away and conferred for a few minutes with the gentleman who'd taken my order. Upon returning to the cash register, she explained that there was some sort of ongoing goofup with the expiration date on these coupons, but that the store would honor the coupon anyhow. (I checked the printed expiration date; it was Dec. 31, 2010.) She wore a name tag with the sobriquet "Houston"; I considered asking whether she had a sister named Whitney, but decided that would be in poor taste.

After a few minutes the sandwiches were furnished, and consumption proceeded. After a couple of bites I examined my sandwich and opined to my wife that although the portion was generous and the flavor was good, what I had received was corned beef, not pastrami. We compared sandwiches and the meat in mine looked identical to that in hers: the wrong color, flavor and seasoning for pastrami, and almost completely devoid of black pepper. However, not wishing to upset the Noah's applecart, I decided to enjoy the sandwich for what it was, and kept eating.

If you buy cold cuts in a grocery store, they often come in a plastic blister pack, which may have a hole punched in it so the pack can be hung on a peg. Sometimes the bit of plastic that formerly occupied said hole may be found still clinging to the blister pack. And once in a great while, I suppose, that bit of plastic could end up in someone's corned beef sandwich. It must not happen very often — I've eaten thousands of sandwiches in my life that were free of plastic bits — but apparently it does happen. Or, I should say, it did happen. I removed the plastic bit from my mouth, put it in the paper-lined basket next to the second half of my sandwich, and while finishing the first half I contemplated what to do next.

The wrong meat in a sandwich was one thing, I decided. Foreign objects were another. I lodged a complaint at the counter, and Houston promised to make me a new pastrami sandwich. I returned to my seat, but after a couple of minutes she beckoned me back to the counter. Turns out the store was out of pastrami, and the genius who'd made the sandwich in the first place decided to just substitute corned beef without telling me. Houston asked what kind of meat I'd prefer in the place of pastrami, and I chose roast beef.

The new sandwich came, minus any stray bits of plastic, and also minus the tasty dill pickle that had accompanied the first sandwich, which I hadn't eaten before I returned it. I shrugged off the pickle, ate half the new sandwich, wrapped up the other half for later, and went home. But here's the kicker: Remember, I had gotten the first sandwich with a coupon. Want to know how I got the coupon? At the same Noah's, a week earlier, I had ordered another pastrami sandwich, using a coupon Noah's had sent me by e-mail. On that occasion, the young gentleman at the counter TOLD me the store was out of pastrami BEFORE he made the sandwich, and substituted chicken breast at my request ... THEN he came to our table and gave me two coupons to compensate for the absence of pastrami. I didn't catch his name, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't Houston.

If you're good at math, you already know that I have one coupon left, meaning that Noah's has one more chance to get it right. Here's a thought: if a store runs out of pastrami by 1:30 p.m. two Sundays running, perhaps the manager needs to order more pastrami for Sundays. We'll see if anyone has figured this out by the time I get back there.

What they didn't tell you about Honduras

I have a couple of friends in Honduras doing relief and missionary work. Here's part of an e-mail I got from one of them regarding the recent coup:

The president of Honduras was behind the election that was supposed to happen last Sunday. Basically he wanted to "revisit" the constitution and change the one term presidential limit.

Last Thursday the Supreme Court handed down the decision for the second time that the election was unconstitutional. The president fired the head of the military the same day. The entire armed forces immediately resigned in respect for their leader. Chavez, president of Venezula announced he would send his troops in. (Uh oh). Then, the president HIMSELF breaks through the army base entrance, goes to the building where the ballots are stored, breaks in HIMSELF, and he and his supporters load the ballots up in the car and drive away with them. This is all on the news. They do not arrest him as we think they are trying to keep peace.

Friday the Supreme Court restores the head of the military to his rightful position and the military is back on board. The president says publicly that his military leader looks like a gorilla. We also hear that the ballot boxes are half full, which everyone finds amusing since the election is not until Sunday! Meanwhile, schools are closed on Friday and some on Monday. Newspapers and radio are telling everyone to stay home on Sunday. Churches and businesses are closed as well.

We awoke to no electricity Sunday morning, not a good sign, then heard that the president had been arrested at his home and flown to Costa Rica. It was peaceful, no bloodshed. We were sad about this decision because he did legally have 6 more months to serve. He had totally lost the support of the Supreme Court, Congress, the military and his power was dwindling rapidly.

They did find $300,000 dollars (in Honduran lempira) on his desk in his office the day the arrested him. This was for bribes for votes. His supporters go to poor areas and ask everyone to give their personal ID card so they can vote for them. They vote, then return the card with $25 which is a huge amount of money, esp for people who cannot read and whose lives will not change regardless of the election. Not exactly the democracy one hopes for.

The Speaker of the House was sworn in as president until January 27, 2010. Elections are held in November. He immediately announced a curfew from 9 pm until 6 am. Meanwhile world opinions have been swift, that the old president needs to be restored to his rightful position. The old president is saying that he will return soon to Honduras along with some leaders of other countries and head of the OAS. The new president says if he comes he will be arrested. The Honduran Congress stated they ousted the old president because of disregard for the constitution, the law and the institutions. Right now it seems things are at a stalemate.

Wow. I'm not a news junkie, but I'm pretty sure the American news media that I do attend to (mostly NPR) haven't reported those details. It's hard to feel much sympathy for President Zelaya in light of this report. Yes, a military coup is not the preferred way to get rid of a president, but (a) it could have been worse—Zelaya should thank his lucky stars he's not Joao Bernardo Vieira; (b) this apparently is a president who had severely overstepped his authority. What do you suppose would happen to a U.S. president who ignored two Supreme Court orders and tried to buy an illegal election? Impeachment in the blink of an eye, that's what.

Unless some kind of resolution is found, the real losers will be the people of Honduras, who stand to lose hundreds of millions in aid if the country is kicked out of the OAS, as threatened.

Cryptic fill-in-the-blank

Here's a kind of puzzle I've dreamed up. Someone might have thought of this already, but I don't recall seeing anything quite like it before.

Each item in a puzzle is an obscure or cryptic phrase. Your job is to insert the first and last name of a famous person into the phrase so that it becomes two familiar names or phrases. Watch out for homonyms, elisions, and downright nasty puns.

Let me know if you can solve any of these. Each puzzle has a theme, but telling you the theme would make it too easy.

PUZZLE 1
1. Doubting Airplane
2. Henry Avenue
3. Super Indians
4. By League
5. John, Arizona
6. Justice the Right Place
7. George Vacuum
8. Dirty Show

PUZZLE 2
1. Darling Buds of Wing
2. Cash and Wood
3. Block on the Keys
4. County Play
5. L.M. Hanger
6. Edmund Austin
7. Captain Fir

PUZZLE 3
1. Jack Reed
2. Hey and Order
3. Raul Rules
4. James Tease
5. Apple Ball
6. Last Cats
7. Dill Grapes

Tonio K., Prophet?

Now they've handed us the mantle and they've handed us the key
Left us sittin' here in limbo in the lap of luxury
With a pocket full of credit cards and a mountain full of debt
And a vision of the future that I'd just as soon forget

I sang those lyrics during a little blues gig at my church a week ago. Afterward I told the audience, "That's a little song about current events, written 15 years ago." The song is, of course, "Stuck," from the 1993 album Ole! by Tonio K., and those lines are truer now than when he wrote them.

But that's par for the course for Tonio. 1979's Life in the Foodchain featured a puzzling ballad called "Willie and the Pigman," which made absolutely no sense at the time, but 19 years later, if you accepted the premise that Willie was actually Bill Clinton and the Pigman was Larry Flynt, then you could sort of interpret the song as a prediction of Flynt's attempt to rescue Clinton from impeachment by threatening to publish dirt on members of Congress. A line from the chorus, "They can dish it out from now until 1999," even predicted the year that the impeachment trial would take place. (If the connection still seems fuzzy, try it again after a few Jagermeisters.)

One of Tonio's legendary unreleased songs was inspired by his pet hamster, John Paul III. "Harness the Hamster" proposed using hamsters to solve the energy crisis of the late 1970s/early 1980s. Although Tonio performed it in concert, it never found its way onto an album (unless you count the instrumental version on his Rodent Weekend compilation). It's probably not the first Tonio K. song you'd pick as a prophetic statement — for the simple reason that many of his fans have never heard it.

Nonetheless, it's coming true, as widely reported in February in scientific journals:

Nanogenerators Harness Hamster Power

Could hamsters help solve the world’s energy crisis? Probably not, but a hamster wearing a power-generating jacket is doing its own small part to provide a new and renewable source of electricity.

Just makes you wonder: What will be the next Tonio K. song to come true? Let's hope it isn't "La Bomba"...