What You Will

Another Burma Shave billboard on the information superhighway. Random thoughts about arts, faith, culture, music, language, literature, and the shortcomings of the Hegelian dialectic. (OK, just kidding about that last bit.)

My Photo
Location: Edmonds, Washington, United States

I wonder what goes in this space?


Ridiculous Web site of the month, part 5

A famous celebrity from years past is building a new theatre in Branson, Missouri.

Nothing unusual about that.

Ah, but this theatre is different. It's part of a 600-acre development that also includes shops, cafés, a restaurant, 110 condos, and even classroom/convention space, all built around an old-fashioned, cobblestoned main street. The theatre will be used for the celebrity's TV broadcast tapings as well as live appearances.

Wow. THAT will turn Crystal Gayle, Shoji Tabuchi, and Boxcar Willie green with envy.

But wait, there's more! If you order now, you not only get the theatre, shops, eateries, condos, and all the rest — you get it all inside an enormous, climate-controlled, steel-framed, DOMED STRUCTURE!

My goodness. That'll dwarf anything else in Branson. It'll make Silver Dollar City look more like a wooden nickel!

Can you guess which celebrity has the charisma, the vision, the sheer unadulterated chutzpah, and most of all the bucks to pull off something like this?

Please say it's not Michael Jackson.

No, but you're warm.

Oprah? Garth Brooks? Tom Cruise? Donald Trump? Regis Philbin?

Good guesses, but you're cooling off. Here's a hint: The celebrity in question has already built one theme park.

Oh, this must be Dollywood Part II! But wouldn't you need TWO domed structures?

Cute, but wrong. Here's another hint: Jessica Hahn.

Isn't she in the WNBA?

No. Another hint: I Was Wrong!

Oh. So nobody's really building a 600-acre development underneath a dome in Branson.

No. I mean yes, someone really is. How about this: Do the initials "PTL" mean anything to you?

Jesus, Mary, and holy Saint Joseph! You can't mean —

Actually, I do. It's true, folks. Jim Bakker, one of the smarmiest religious con men ever to creep upon the face of the earth, has broken ground on his "Morningside" development in Branson — and will no doubt once again ask his TV viewers to foot the bill. While serving prison time for defrauding people with his previous TV show, "Praise the Lord," Bakker actually did publish a book called I Was Wrong. Apparently he's now decided he wasn't so wrong after all. So in the name of Jesus, he's going to build this half–Truman Show, half–Thomas Kinkade Missouri monstrosity. You can send an old dog to jail, but you can't teach him new tricks. Someone please tell me when this is over, because I can't bear to watch any more.

At least he lost the toupee.


Post a Comment

<< Home